im quitting church pretty much. at least as much as im allowed to. im not gonna go to any of the events this year… it’s just not where i belong anymore. i feel like a sore thumb when im there, and i feel like i just bring everybody down. essentially, because im not a christian so it’s rather hypocritical for me to be so active in church stuff. (and for any of you reading this that didnt know that, you should also know that i havnt ben one since the fall of 9th grade and im a senior now.) also because of everything that’s happened with…

im not doing this- coming out of the closet, if you will- to get pity or something, or to get someone to talk me out of it. ive already made up my mind (its ben made up for about a month now i gues). im just ready to be truthful with everyone, with myself, and to be consistent. this is me. i am xxxxxx. i dont live a godly life because i dont have to and i dont want to. ive ben the same person all along. im just not into mis-impressions. take it as you will.

OK, so like wow, what do I say to this but that I feel really horrible, like a little bit of my heart’s just been ripped out. No you’re right (if we were really having a face to face conversation) I can’t say that I “know” you. But having been your Sunday School teacher for the last 3 years still makes me think of you as (if not a daughter) at the very least a niece. That’s why this confession of yours pains me. And no, this isn’t some personal thing about me feeling like I failed you, it’s more me having been in a similar place at one time and still being able to remember the pain. You may feel like a weight has been taken off your shoulders by this “coming out of the closet” but I have to believe that there is a part of you that questions your decision and leaves you feeling very alone.

WARNING: I’ve been all over the place with this and have edited it a dozen times, but nothing comes out right… the following is a rant!

You say you’re not looking for a pity party or someone to come riding in here and “talk” to you about your decision, but you posted it – so you know this little revelation of yours is going to have people from church doing just that. You know I’ve stepped out of the picture these days and have no clue as to what ever the drama is with you and “R” and “M” – don’t really care either, that’s between y’all. But I am going to tell you the truth as I see it. You say you feel like a “sore thumb” but the truth is you’ve always been a hard person to reach out to. In your own blog you said that you felt left out because no one asked if you were going to go with YAM to OC. Hey, you knew about the trip like everyone else, but you need a personal invite from the rest of the group? I heard 2 of your peeps asking why you didn’t come, but apparently you’d already given others in the group the idea that you weren’t interested. The fact is that people have gotten the idea (I wonder how) that you’re not into a lot of the group activities so they don’t try to push you. It isn’t about not wanting you to come along, but about trying to keep you from distancing yourself more than you already do.
I think, that like me, you’re an introvert at heart. (Personally for me a little bit of loving goes a real long way for me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like spending time with people, but I don’t get charged from it like an extrovert does. For me it’s a drain and that means that I need to be alone to recharge. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, that I don’t want to be your friend, that I’m not jived by the fact that you like me, but it does mean that I need “me” time more than you may be like.) Now I don’t know how closely that fits you but that’s how I’ve always viewed you.
You say you don’t need anyone “talking” to you and that you’ve made up your mind about this, but did you ever give any one a chance to talk to you? Hey, maybe you have and I just don’t know about it, but have you? Or did you decide that being a pastors kid means that no one would understand you and how you feel or what you think? If so, you’re selling us all short – and I mean all of us – me, Gil, Beka, Robin, etc., etc. You’re not the first kid from church to question God and their faith and you certainly aren’t going to be the last.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit rough but your joke about being pregnant would have been easier for me to handle.

END of RANT

You’re right, you’re still you. A quirky, brooding, little red head that I really like and care deeply about. I promise I won’t corner you in the halls at church and lecture you. What I don’t promise is that I won’t give you a big hug and tell you that I care about you and that I’m praying for you.

Peace to you Deeka Jane.